Johnny Cursive can’t cook.

Back in college I ascertained during my lunch break in KFC that their yummy coleslaw was made distinct by having 7-Up as an ingredient. So my friend made coleslaw with 7-Up. The taste was undeniably KFC coleslaw. He had a face that looked like he discovered the Rosetta stone, so I told him no, I’m not gonna start guessing the first of KFC’s eleven secret herbs and spices.

I guess I could imagine what herb works well with a dish. But I can’t cook. I don’t know how I’m surviving as a 25-year old who can neither drive nor cook. So a couple of weeks ago, I decided to do something about it. I cooked instant pancit canton and added carrots and baguio beans. I finished the entire plate convincing myself that I did well. I had to finish it quick before anybody saw what the heck I was doing. I needed to start somewhere but I guess I’ve go a long way to go. Sigh. I’d rather learn how to play the guitar.


In my group in high school cooking class I’d be the one that washed the dishes. I didn’t do too well in that either, but at least it was far from the stove. When the time came that I needed to cook, I put 5 spoonfuls of sugar in the puttanesca sauce according to the instructions and stirred the mixture as it simmered. That was my only task. Easy enough. I looked up at the cupboard and thought, “how the fuck did the sugar jar get all the way up there?” Apparently, I put 5 spoonfuls of iodized salt in the puttanesca sauce.


I didn’t let my group know in fear of getting beaten up. After all, nobody brings baon on the day of cooking class because we’d cook our lunches in school. So I asked the teacher to help me neutralize the damage and she threw in a gallon of milk and heaps of sugar into the whole thing. My group still didn’t know; they were busy preparing the other dishes. Our puttanesca turned out looking like orange sardine sauce that tasted like mermaid-flavored snot.

We all starved that day. And because this was the first puttanesca my group has ever tasted in our lives, it has also been our last.

13 coumouents:

rudeboy said...

I grew up in a household where only the womenfolk did the cooking, and thus considered the activity a strictly feminine one.

Many years and a great many masculine chefs and cooks and everyone with a dick and a frying pan in between, I have been disabused of my childhood misconceptions about cooking being an exclusive province of females.

That being said, I still don't cook, and have no issues with it. I can make sinaing, and shall never tire of canned goods.

Have can opener, will eat.

Giada Laurenti said...

The only way to learn is to cook, cook, cook!

So get to the kitchen and start the stove!

thecuriouscat said...


lucky for me my mom cooks, almost all her relatives do, kaya me ang my sibling are exposed to cooking at an early age kaya kahit papano marunong din magluto hehe

practice lang 'yan

Ronnie said...

I love to eat. Period. =p

engel said...

that's okay. some people just aren't meant for the kitchen.

orange sardine sauce that tasted like mermaid-flavored snot. -this made me laugh =P

bunwich said...

cooking is not for everyone...siguro taga kain ang assignment mo.

john stanley said...

cooking is not one of my talents either.

good thing i drive. and i can drive to any fastfood any time of the day.

lee said...

"Our puttanesca turned out looking like orange sardine sauce that tasted like mermaid-flavored snot."
- i'll second engel on this one lol

my view on puttanesca has been now been changed because of this post hehehe

ʎonqʎʇıɔ said...

"Our puttanesca turned out looking like orange sardine sauce that tasted like mermaid-flavored snot."

magthi-third ako. kinilabutan ako sa imagined taste.

i used to experiment a lot in the kitchen when i was younger. now most of my experiments are done in a different room. haha

cooking's easier than it seems. maybe you could take a few classes. sabi nga sa ratatouille, anyone can cook! hehe

Manech said...

"I don’t know how I’m surviving as a 25-year old who can neither drive nor cook."

You'll do just fine. I'm exactly like that, and look at me, I'm a mess. :)

Johnny Cursive said...

@ rudeboy: Teach me how to cook sinaing then. Gosh I can't even make rice =(

@ Giada: i don't know the next step after starting the stove

@ thecuriouscat: my mum sucks at cooking so maybe it's in the genes

@ Ronnie: Yun ang mahalaga! LOL

@ Engel: Kahit paano naman umaasa pa rin ako that the kitchen will be nice to me =P

@ bunwich: yep and i do a really good job at it =P

@ john stanley: onga eh at least you drive. But I can't stand too much fast food

@ lee: it's ok you're not missing a lot if you stop eating puttanesca. Anchovies? Blech. I don't get it.

@ citybuoy: di kaya madali magluto. hindi talaga. hindi. hindi. hahahaha.

red the mod said...

I love to cook. Although time, and circumstances involving money, often deter me from creatively pursuing this. I only get to cook during special occasions, when I want my parents to take a rest and be taken cared of, or whenever I am cooking for someone special or for friends.

The secret to puttanesca, if you'd follow the classic version, is fresh tomatoes. And an alert understanding in seasoning, as both the capers and olives are salted to begin with, and moreso with cheese as a addend.

But cooking, like most things, would only be easier to learn if you actually enjoy the process of learning it. Maybe you haven't had the opportunity to learn in more engaging and inspiring settings.

ʎonqʎʇıɔ said...

natawa naman ako sa reply mo. haha

wv: subillat *hee hee*