Ugly Duckling

I've started a new workout program last week and I can't wait to see how everything turns out after a couple of months. After I had a 2-month hiatus from the gym in November and December, I lost about 12 pounds. For some, that's a good thing; for myself and many others, it ain't cool. I'm one of those guys who lose weight when they stop lifting and 12 pounds of mass lost is a big deal.

I've always been the among the skinniest in the batch, growing up. And we're no small batch -- more than 400 students per grade level. I only started getting meat on my bones in college, and it was a struggle. I wouldn't stop eating until I gagged. If I had boobs and ovaries I'd probably be fine being a skinny bitch, but as a guy, being skinny can be emasculating. I'm a faerie but I still like being a dude. And coincidentally, when I was at my skinniest, I was also at the darkest times of my life. My family and everything else was a mess. So of course seeing myself lose weight exhumes some of the shit and I've associated weight loss with that phase. I was 5'9 130lbs and stick thin with a square jaw so I looked like Skeletor. That's why now I like being within what I call my "happy weight", which is above 160lbs. When I hit 155lbs 2 weeks ago, I resolved to gain back the weight before it goes out of control again.

I drew how I saw myself a long time ago. Baklitang payatot.
Syempre kelangan may dede :-P
I found a great program specifically for my body type and it has to be the easiest program I've done. It's 3 times a week, 45 minutes max per session, and already I've gained 5lbs in less than 2 weeks. I'll strive to be consistent and I hope to surprise myself in 8 weeks. Wow rereading this paragraph makes me feel like such a shallow asshole but I'm a generally nice guy so I cut myself some slack.

That's my ugly duckling syndrome right there. When I was 15 and in my barong, someone mistook me for my mom's 27 year-old secretary's husband. Even my mom said, "matulog ka na ampanget mo na" when Diablo II kept me up late. My good friends snickered across the room about a new haircut and said I looked like a pasyente. Those were enough to bury my self-esteem and fossilize it. I keep this fossil as a paperweight on my desk where I can see it everyday.

Everybody feels bad about themselves from time to time; some people whine about it, some people make money out of it. Some people project their insecurities and start hating on others as much as they truly hate themselves. Some people acknowledge it and work on it. I am definitely a work in progress.

Ayoko maging swan. Gusto ko maging Pink Flamingo balang araw. Chika lang

11 coumouents:

Eternal Wanderer... said...

for some weird reason, di pink flamingo ang sumagi sa isip ko na bagay sa yo.

ang navisualize ko a pink na chick.


Clarence said...

care to share your programme?

and you're story reads like my own story.. except i want to be the pink panther hehehe

wv: cophydr (sounds like an invite eh hehehe)

jc said...

back in college, i weighed 125lbs. at 5'11", that didn't look so good. horrendous, to be honest. i could be a living model of the skeletal system. hahaha!

the gym, too, was my savior.

RJ said...

haha! reminds me of an anecdote when i was in high school. Someone said to me, "kasing pangit mo sulat mo" - my ego was blasted.haha

Desperate Houseboy said...

awww, parehas tayu tol. kapag pumyat eh malaking bagay na. ang hirap magmaintain kasi parang tiyan ko lang ang lumalaki. hehe

Eternal Wanderer... said...

Bff Clarence: lolz@pink panther!!!

thecuriouscat said...

Talagang pink flamingo pa hehe, ako nmn d mapigilang ang pag laki at parang dalawa lang ang options, maging hulk o maging blob :(

Jazzie Casas said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed. Really a nice post here!

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RainDarwin said...

ay naku Papa Johnny, sayang dapat nakita pa kita noong balingkinitan ka.

Sigurado, laglag ang brief ko, as in patid ang garter ng brief ko nyahahahah.

Di ka pa naman pumapasok sa wensha noon di ba?

(selos si sidekick, bwahahaha)

Johnny Cursive said...

@ternie: Baket pink na chick??? ung napapanalunan ba yan sa pabunot kasama ng pugo? baket? :P

@clarence: ay, type ko rin maging pink panther ah. My program is Jason Ferruggia's muscle gaining secrets

@jc: that's really lanky too :P hirap noh?

@rj: gandahan mo raw kasi sulat mo pards! I remember my friend whose handwriting was so bad it even skipped the lines of his notebook's pages.

@curiouscat: ganda kaya ng mga big boned tuwing pumapayat kasi malaki forearms and calves..

@jazzie: spam ka bruhang to

@raindarwin: pilyo ka pa ren! di na ko pumupunta wensha in years noh! ayoko na dun madaming bakla. Chika

Jaytee said...

Oohh I want to have a program just like that. I too struggled with being too skinny all my life, though I never associated my playing of Diablo II with that lol. I am 5'8" and the skinniest I've been was 100lbs. It was also the darkest time of my life so yeah this post definitely struck a chord with me haha